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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Sniffing the broccoli
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.