When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
i made a craigslist ad !
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
OMG 🤣🤣
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.