Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
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Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I love wikipedia
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“What movie?” 🤔
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.