Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”