I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you