I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.