I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
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“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Check out the legs on this baby
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.