Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”