[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.