Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree