SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
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All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
no one likes gloating
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
🙂🐾
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too