Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Haha good job!!
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.