(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this