Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
This is a whole mood;
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..