The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!