The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.