My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird