“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
how high up are we talkin’?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons