murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it