COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Coffee is ready.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,