My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
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Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
#StillHurts
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude