*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
They got a point!