DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.