ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’