One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver