I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
i’m still crying at this
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.