When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
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🤔😂😂
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.