IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Oh we’ve met.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I can also cook 😂