THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
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What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
OMG 🤣🤣
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…