I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )