My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.