So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension