The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Who chose this font
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”