Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”