“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok