I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
when you don’t want to be too vague
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these