Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
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All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.