Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
*exercises sarcastically*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up