As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
You Might Also Like
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Basically.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Husband of the year 😂
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)