absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
You Might Also Like
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Buck naked
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.