My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air