All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.