Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
What number SPF blocks people?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil