As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
umm…
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Natural selection at its finest
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.