The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea