*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
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Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Unimpressed
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
found this cool rock hiking today
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.