[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?