COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
You Might Also Like
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]