I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
😂🤣😂🤣
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.