I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?